Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Installing Winter in Ireland

Just like summer never arrived, Winter is proving to be exactly the same, it's been between 12 and 17 degrees most of last week.


INSTALLING WINTER IN IRELAND.....
 ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 
44% DONE.                              
 Install delayed....please wait.                                      
                                                                      
 Installation failed. Please try again.                               
                                                                      
404 error: Season not found. Season "Winter" cannot be located.    
The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is 
temporarily unavailable. Please try again later.      

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Summer in Ireland

INSTALLING SUMMER IN IRELAND.....
 ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.                              
 Install delayed....please wait.                                      
                                                                      
 Installation failed. Please try again.                               
                                                                      
404 error: Season not found. Season "Summer" cannot be located.    
The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later.      

Thursday, November 18, 2010

A Prayer for Dad


"Dear God, 


This year please send clothes for all those poor ladies on

Daddy's computer. 


Amen."

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Wednesday Joke

THE JEWS SANK THE TITANIC ????

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a
mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back i
n his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, ... 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence..

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ....nomattah...all same ! ! !

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary..'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Joke of the day

What Is a Man?

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and
 never let her down.  He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.


He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.  He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.


He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible ...



              .... No wait...         




I'm thinking of alcohol!!!!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Moving to Cape Town



A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.  He asks, "What are you doing?"  


She answers, "I'm moving to Cape Town. I heard prostitutes there get paid R400 for doing what I do for you for free."  


Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 


 I'm coming too, I want to see how you're going to live on R800 a year! 

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Scottish Technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists

found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read:

"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

One week later, the Banffshire Courier in Buckie, Scotland, reported
the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his field near Enzie,
Banffshire, Jock Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely f@*k all. Jock has therefore concluded that 130 years
ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Blonde's Diary on a cruise ship

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up... Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today

- seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join
him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.


DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won R800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun-burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him
have his way with me he would sink the ship.
I was shocked.


DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 2,600 lives. Twice.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Little old Lady


Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

South African Humour


Thursday, January 14, 2010

What causes Arthritis???

A drunk man who smelled like beer
sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face
was plastered with red lipstick,
and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking
out of his torn coat pocket.
He
opened his newspaper and
began reading.
After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father,
what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's
caused by loose living,
being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes
and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response,
'Well, I'll be damned, '
Then returned to
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what
he had said, nudged the man
and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long
have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My best email for the day ... Three Pints of Guinness

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .... your
pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de
odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ...
ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they
are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the
other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Obama's Capetonian Image


Daffy Duck

Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for a condom.
The reception says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies….. Don’t be thucking thtupid I’d thufficate

Life after the Whitehouse

Every now and then I get some really good emails, this was one of those!


Life After the Whitehouse!!!